Speaking of differences in cultural behavior, I would like to
share one of my experiences as a private tutor over the past 3 years. I have since
taught Chinese, Indian and Malay students and one of them was a girl named
Preeti. Her parents migrated from Bangladesh to Singapore after she was 6 years
old and did this so that she could obtain a Singaporean citizenship, assimilate
into the Singaporean culture, and inculcate the values in the local education
system when she joined a primary school.
Bangladeshi’s culture is largely defined by Islam’s teachings
and I thought by having many friends from various ethnicities, especially quite
a few Malay friends, I thought that it would be a breeze when it came to
interacting with people who had Bangladeshi cultural practices. Before the
first lesson, I took the initiative to offer a handshake to her mother and
brother, who were the only ones at home at that time, a simple greeting most of
us Singaporeans normally will offer as a friendly gesture. I was being polite
by extending my handshake as usually I would only come into direct contact or
conversation with the tutee’s parents. I was a little surprised to feel the
lack of enthusiasm and firmness in her elder brother’s handshake and it seemed
to me like he was trying to brush me off rudely. Why the difference in attitude
between the mother and son? A young, fiery and impulsive teenager like me,
jumped to the wrong conclusions easily, and I took it as insincere and rude,
and was honestly offended by his impolite response.
I brushed aside this disturbing experience till one day when I was
browsing the Internet; I found out that it was actually a Bangladeshi type of
handshake. Shaking hands was common in Bangladesh, but it was in their culture
to have a rather “limp” handshake. One which did not carry much force of firmness
the way we commonly shake an acquaintance’s hand in Singapore for example.
In the Bangladeshi culture, greetings usually take place between
members of the same sex. Women will only really be met within business contexts
and even so, it is best to wait and see if a hand is extended before doing so. Upon hindsight, I was glad that I did not show
any signs of displeasure in front of them as Preeti’s elder brother was somewhat
already trying his best to adapt into the Singaporean culture by accepting my
handshake. I guess it was awkward for him to receive a handshake from a lady
younger than him. However, if we bring our focus to the Singaporean context, it
is common place to see both males and females exchanging handshakes and even
more intimate forms of physical contact such as a friendly hug between friends.
From this, I learnt to be less judgmental and to take one step
back to contemplate if certain cultural practices make one act differently in
situations like this. It is not possible for others to fit into our perspective
and see things from our viewpoint if they have been brought up in a different
way.
Traditionally,
the Malays dine with their right hand while the Chinese dine with both hands
with chopsticks. When they dine together, the Chinese probably will not ask the
Malays to use chopsticks event though they might feel that using our bare hands
to eat isn’t the most hygienic way. Likewise, Malays probably will not ask the
Chinese to use only their right hands even though they think that left hands
are dirty according to their religion. In this case, both ethnicities respect each
other's cultures but stick to their own practices at the same time. I guess, this is what we mean, by
adapting to other cultures’ differences, and yet preserving the uniqueness of
our own ethnic group at the same time.
One last thing: I observed that one of my current Malay students
always puts her hands to her heart after a little handshake with her relatives.
I know that it is not expected of me, but do I attempt to do the same thing to
show respect to the elderly in her house? I have always wanted to do that, but
it thought it might be awkward and I might embarrass myself if I do it the
wrong way! ;(
Hi Xue Hui, Kirstie here :)
ReplyDeleteI shall answer your last question regarding visiting your Malay student's house first. Well in my opinion, if attempt to do the same handshake with her and her family, more likely they will appreciate your thoughtfulness and sincerity of attempting to follow their culture than to be offended, even if you may unknowingly done something wrong. After all, as long as you do it out of respect instead of intentionally causing offence, it would be much appreciated. That being said, I think that the local Malay community do not expect non-Malays to adhere strictly to their customs, perhaps Dinah may correct me on that?
With the high influx of foreigners, we may find other cultures strange or even displeasing. I have one other example in mind regarding the Bangladeshi culture. I remember I was really young when I saw two Bangladeshi men crossing the road. What was curious, however, was that they are holding hands.
Singapore is mostly a conservative country and public displays of affection (which, at that time, I assumed that gesture to be) are usually frowned upon. Furthermore, with our high exposure to Western culture, I couldn't help but assume they were homosexuals.
Luckily, before the insensitive young me could cause offense unknowingly, Mum and Dad explained to me that it is their culture to do so, and it does not necessarily mean they were homosexuals. In fact, I found out later on that the concept of homosexuality does not exist in their culture. In Bangladesh, holding hands is a sign of brotherhood, affection and companionship, not that they are gay.
On a sidenote: I recently read of a Westerner's experience in Bangladesh, who decided that he shall "do as the Romans do", and shall not be the one to drop his Bangladeshi's friend's hand. So after a long while, his friend commented that it was a strange experience - when prodded why, he replied that although Bangladeshis hold hands, they do not hold hands for so long. Which added to the Westerner's confusion - refusing to hold hands would be hurtful, yet holding hands for too long would also cause raised eyebrows. So how does one know the appropriate length of time to drop someone's hand without offending him? Quite an interesting point to note.
Learning other cultures is a neverending process, even if we manage to experience every single culture in the world, because I believe that culture is a process in itself that is always evolving and adapting. Furthermore, although culture is usually associated with race and ethnicity, it can also exist between different groups, such as companies (organizational culture), institutions (NUS subculture) and teams.
Lastly, I fully agree with you that we should be less judgmental. It stems from our lack of knowledge about other cultures, which leads us to make assumptions and jump into conclusions. Like what YiBei has taught us during peer teaching, we should question our assumptions, and stop ourselves from making generalizations. After all, we wouldn't like that either if others make sweeping statements about us based on others' behaviours, would we?
The best way is really to keep an open mind and delay judgement until you know more of a people and their practices.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the sharing Xue Hui! Honestly this is my first time hearing about ‘weaker’ handshakes. It’s interesting to know how people from different culture would interact with each other! A lot of the times when we ourselves do not fully understand or comprehend the reasons why other people are reacting or behaving in certain ways, we tend to jump into conclusions. Furthermore, because many of them are non-Singaporeans, sometimes I find myself forming unfair opinions about them simply because they are ‘different’ from us. But your post is a good reminder for all of us that we shouldn’t judge people - especially so when do not anything about their culture.
ReplyDeleteAnd it’s nice to hear that there are people like you who are willing to take a look at other people from another perspective! I believe this good attitude will allow you to handle your relationships better. This is something I have to learn too! (: